(This post is as genuine and raw as I could make it, so please do not continue if you feel you may be triggered. It is not one of those happy or helpful recovery posts)
I am kind of at a loss right now. The past few weeks, few months even, there has been a tiny spark in me that has continued to grow. And it’s gotten big enough now that I cannot ignore it. I have been in recovery for 16 months now, weight restored for 14. The past year has been amazing thanks to an amazing support system, a fabulous school, and some new friends. I am so excited to be a senior in high school end looking forward to the next step–college. My body image hasn’t been horrible. I do workout some, and I have noticed my strength improve. Not gunna lie, I love the feeling and appearance of these new muscles.
But I feel like I’m faking it all. I have spent hours a day this summer researching different diets, watching bikini model tips, etc. I religiously log my calories into MyFitnessPal. I have gotten into the habit of counting my steps. I am ashamed to say that I have not taken a day off from exercise in a month. I pack food instead of ordering out when I am with friends. I eat more than a lot of people I see on Instagram in recovery, but I’ve still been a couple hundred short everyday for the past week or so. But my weight is fine. I’m even 1 pound heavier. So I feel like no one cares.
I am sick of being a burden. My family talks about when I was in treatment literally everyday. I know they are sick of it. And I am sick of my eating disorder too. But it’s still there. I can’t make the thoughts go away. I feel like I am a functional anorexic. You wouldn’t know my struggle if you simply saw me, but on the inside, my mind is consumed by my addiction to dieting, weight-loss, and obsessive food rituals. But my weight is the same. So no one cares.
I don’t want to tell my family or my treatment team that my thoughts have been this bad. I am sick of bothering them. If I am completely honest, then I am afraid that they will either 1) think I’m being a control freak/attention whore or 2) take it way to seriously. If option number 1 happens, then they’ll just laugh at me and hate me even more. I can’t deal with that. And if option number 2 happens, then I’m afraid that they will not trust me to go to college and I really don’t want to have to miss any of my senior year for treatment. And honestly, my eating disorder is so comfortable to me. I can’t give away my little “secret”. It’s so stupid, I know.
I spend a lot of time looking on instagram stalking the #ngtube and #inpatient hashtags, jealous of those girls and boys. I feel so ashamed of being jealous of them. It’s not that I want to have my eating disorder. In fact, I think I want it to go away. But I feel like I’m the only one that can still see it there. I’m not sick enough for treatment. But I don’t think I can live like this for much longer...
I’m seriously eating for my family right now. I am eating so that they can enjoy their lives. And I’m eating for the girls on YouTube and Instagram who tell me that I inspire them. I can’t preach the idea that recovery is possible if I am such a failure at it myself.
So, here I am. I could keep going but my thoughts are just one big loop. I can’t stop it. It’s painful. I am so so so so so so so sick of this obsessiveness. Help would be appreciated 😦