Recovery

Update

My mom and I were driving and gave me a little intervention. She told me that I am ounces away from being under my weight range, and as she called it ounces away from “big problems”. I asked her what those “big problems” were. Like what, if I lose an ounce are you going to send me IP? They would take one look at me, laugh, and send me away. Either that or they would take me, insurance would say WTF is this fatty doing in a $5,000 a day treatment center, and then my parents would be in debt. So she just said, “well if we can’t get you to eat, then they will force you to.”

She then told me: “you don’t want to spend your senior year in treatment while your friends are out at parties”. And I wish I didn’t want to. But part of me feels like treatment is a safe haven, a place where I feel achieved and can relate to the struggles of others. I don’t have to think about food or weight loss. I have no control. It’s odd, isn’t it? A control freak who feels safest who she has zero control over the things that scare her most. I’ve actually heard that those who go IP relapse at a more frequent rate and it doesn’t surprise me one bit.

But then again, I am afraid that if I have to get treatment, I will not be accepted into college. And if I am accepted, my parents won’t trust me to go. I want a life outside of my eating disorder. I don’t want to be living in a hell hole for the rest of my life. I am sick of this.

I don’t know what will help me.

I am so ashamed that my dietician and my mom have noticed this weight loss. And I feel so guilty for causing any concern. I cannot handle my mom watching me like a hawk at every meal now. I don’t want to eat in front of her. Or anyone. Honestly, I have been restricting. But I swear, it’s been very subtle (like 100-200 cals a day). Plenty of girls/people eat less than me. Half the people I see clearly weigh less/have lower BMIs. I don’t want to be drawing attention to myself by restricting. I just don’t want to eat, and I want people to see that I still have an eating disorder. I make no sense at all. I wish there was a magic cure that would take these obsessive thoughts away. Can I just disappear please?

I’m sorry for being negative. I’m sorry for making you read this boring shit. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do.

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15 thoughts on “Update

  1. Em, I totally understand where you are coming from. Having just got out of IP treatment myself, I feel like I no longer have an eating disorder at times. My therapist suggested me doing an IOP program and I thought “what for? Someone fat like me doesn’t belong there it is pointless”. But again, I have to keep reminding myself that this is probably one of the most difficult stages of having an eating disorder. Sometimes it sucks to be weight restored, and there are plenty of times( like tonight actually) that I wish I wasn’t because I feel like that will prove to people that it is still there and still an issue. Even though we have those thoughts, we cannot let them take over. I have drawn out my years in college and kind of ruined my college experience because of my ED. I don’t want to see that happen to you love! You are entering a big and important time in your life, a time to focus on you and your interests and dreams. Don’t let your nasty eating disorder get in the way of that. This is a time of your life where you should be having fun, not worrying about what you eat. Easier said than done I know. But you have so many people supporting you and cheering you on. If you ever want to talk feel free to contact me and send me emails. I’d love to help in any way I can. Stay strong-your not in this alone.

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  2. I doubt that the high relapse rate of those who go IP is because they went IP-I think it is correlation not causation. If you go IP it is likely you had a severe problem regardless of IP/no IP so you were more likely to relapse regardless. Anyway, please don’t feel guilt/shame for the fact that you have a biologically based mental illness! You aren’t choosing to live a life of struggle. But you DO have the opportunity to choose the path right now towards a healthy, full life, versus a life in and out of treatment, full of disappointment and limitations. The yearning for IP is totally normal and ok-sometimes the ED beats you down SO MUCH and ALL THE TIME that IP just feels like a break that you need. I am NOT saying you need to go-I have no idea where you’re at with that right now. But the point is its normal to be so waffley about this, as long as you are willing to be honest-about what the ED is doing for you, and what you REALLY want for your life. You can’t have an ED and have a full happy life. Soon you’ll be old enough that your parents won’t have any say, and you’ll have to really make that choice on your own. (So which do you want?)

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    1. Thank you so much. This was very raw and honest, which is exactly what I need right now.
      That is very true about what you said about IP, I shouldn’t feel like I’m a hopeless case. The statistics are insanely hard for them to keep track of.
      I guess what I need to do is just be completely honest with my treatment team and see what they think will be the most helpful.
      I definitely do understand that my time under my parent’s wings is running out. And it scares me. But I can be and will be independent. I am in charge of my life. Thank you ❤

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  3. Aw Ems xx take care, you’re really going through a tough time right now and I think it’s admirable that you’re also trying to make sense of what you’re going through and to understand it x sometimes we just need help though x sending you hugs xx Em

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  4. As someone who had to deal with recovery while in college, I say this very strongly. DO NOT bring your eating disorder to college. Being on your own and trying to deal with it is just asking for immense trouble. Please, please please seek treatment now. I truly think that is the best way to go right now. Restriction is restriction regardless of the subtly of it. You know it’s not good for you. I want you to get better Em.

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    1. Thanks for the advice Julia! I really appreciate how honest you are about all of this. You don’t sugar-coat this. You are right, I do need help and I cannot take this baggage with me to college.

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  5. Deep breath darlin’, just take some time to yourself and remember all the amazing things about recovery and all the amazing things that can happen in life without an ED. You. are. Amazing. Hands down and you have provided me so much encouragement and amazing insight while I have been working toward getting help. I know you can get through this. You don’t want to go to IP what you want is to feel safe, you can find mechanisms to do that outside of IP where you can also live your life and be with your friends and family, a much better alternative and i know you know that in your heart. Sometimes, I find myself wishing for things and trying to control them more when I feel burnt out on my life and what I have been doing. Maybe talk to your mom, maybe you two can go away for the weekend? You don’t have to go far or somewhere extravagant but maybe just go somewhere for the weekend, stay in a hotel overnight just to give you some relax time and to get you out of the same place and out of the same space of your mind. That helps me a lot when I am feeling in a rut and like i want to just go back to safety, it helps me to get away and get my thoughts straight, see all the adventures that are out there for me. Stay strong hun, this is just ED trying to hold on but you (The real non-ED you) can do it, you can overcome this! I’m here if you need anything, it’s the least i can do for all you’ve done for me 🙂 ❤

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    1. Yes, thank you so much. I do need to remember to breath. It’s amazing how easily we can forget to do that! You are very true, I don’t want to go IP but I want to feel safe. You worded that perfectly, and that is exactly how I feel. Are you secretly a mind reader or something? Hehe.
      This is a great piece of advice. I have a meeting with my mom and therapist on monday and I plan on discussing this more in-depth with them.
      I need to find safety in my home and life so I can focus on my recovery. At home. Where my life is. Thank you so much for this long and lovely comment. Everyone’s support on here has filled me with so much hope and surprise. Thank you. I hope you know how much I mean it.

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  6. I’m so sorry for you that you’re going through such a tough time at the moment, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I can completely relate to what you are going through so I very much empathise with you ❤ I know what it feels like to want to be in treatment because it feels so much safer there. I recently came out of hospital, and long to go back in because it was so safe there and I felt like everything was under control. I couldn't be out of control there and it was so safe, so I really do understand what you mean about that.

    I hope you can find a way out of the dilemma that you are in at the moment. Perhaps it is better to go into treatment and commit to recovery once and for all so that you can put your ED behind you and get on with life. I wish for that so much, for all of us with EDs.

    Thinking of you and wishing you strength and hope. Take care xox

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    1. Thank you so much lovely<3 I am glad that you can relate to my struggle but I am sorry that you can at the same time! I wish we didn't have to go through this. I hope that we will both find the strength we need to persevere in the "real world".

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  7. The days and months following inpatient treatment are so incredibly difficult, because being in the real world feels so strange. This weirdness will become normal and you will find your place. I stayed so long in limbo of being committed to recovery and secretly not. I regret the times I wasted in the place. I missed out on so much. Trust the treatment protocol, trust the health professionals. My prayers go out to you because I know what a painfully confusing place your in right now!

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    1. Thank you so much Kate ❤ I am definitely in the limbo being recovery and not. I just wish that I could give up my eating disorder and leave it behind but for some reason it's just really hard for me. I hope you are in a great place Kate ❤ thank you so much for the support

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  8. I just read this and related so much. Its almost as if I am torn down the middle with my emotions. Half of me accepts my diagnoses, wants to fight and get better, wants to go to college and be able to say one day that I recovered. The other half doesn’t feel sick enough, I ate too much, I didn’t starve myself like the other girls, I wasn’t “strong enough” to have this disorder. I don’t feel worthy of my anorexia diagnosis. My mom is doing the same exact thing with me- telling me that if I loose any more weight or if within a month if I don’t have improvement I loose control of my treatment and have to go to IP. Our moms just want the real “us” back you know? we are scaring them so much and I feel so bad about that. I am partially tempted to do IP because then food just gets put in front of you. no choices, which should be scarier but for some reason its not. On the other hand I want to try outpatient because it is more flexible. In a way I think it is harder to be outpatient because it is up to you. You do have control and YOU have to physically and mentally choose recovery every single day. Its also harder because recovery is literally like a full time job. in IP you get to only focus on the one job but in OP its like a full tie job, on top of school, part time jobs, etc, life, yeah? I

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    1. Wow, it sounds like we are literally in the exact same place right now. If you want to reach out and talk to me about anything, feel free to ❤ I don't really know what to do and so I don't really know how to help you. I so agree with everything you said. I know that my mom is sick of my eating disorder and I am sick of it as well, but I feel like I am not sick enough. It's such a confusing mindset. I hope that you are able to get past this. I wish it were easy, but I know it is not going to be unfortunately ❤ I am here with you

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