My mom and I were driving and gave me a little intervention. She told me that I am ounces away from being under my weight range, and as she called it ounces away from “big problems”. I asked her what those “big problems” were. Like what, if I lose an ounce are you going to send me IP? They would take one look at me, laugh, and send me away. Either that or they would take me, insurance would say WTF is this fatty doing in a $5,000 a day treatment center, and then my parents would be in debt. So she just said, “well if we can’t get you to eat, then they will force you to.”
She then told me: “you don’t want to spend your senior year in treatment while your friends are out at parties”. And I wish I didn’t want to. But part of me feels like treatment is a safe haven, a place where I feel achieved and can relate to the struggles of others. I don’t have to think about food or weight loss. I have no control. It’s odd, isn’t it? A control freak who feels safest who she has zero control over the things that scare her most. I’ve actually heard that those who go IP relapse at a more frequent rate and it doesn’t surprise me one bit.
But then again, I am afraid that if I have to get treatment, I will not be accepted into college. And if I am accepted, my parents won’t trust me to go. I want a life outside of my eating disorder. I don’t want to be living in a hell hole for the rest of my life. I am sick of this.
I don’t know what will help me.
I am so ashamed that my dietician and my mom have noticed this weight loss. And I feel so guilty for causing any concern. I cannot handle my mom watching me like a hawk at every meal now. I don’t want to eat in front of her. Or anyone. Honestly, I have been restricting. But I swear, it’s been very subtle (like 100-200 cals a day). Plenty of girls/people eat less than me. Half the people I see clearly weigh less/have lower BMIs. I don’t want to be drawing attention to myself by restricting. I just don’t want to eat, and I want people to see that I still have an eating disorder. I make no sense at all. I wish there was a magic cure that would take these obsessive thoughts away. Can I just disappear please?
I’m sorry for being negative. I’m sorry for making you read this boring shit. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do.