Before I begin, I just wanted to share an article that I wrote for Tiffany over on Cookie Crumbs and Carrot Tops. This was my first time writing for another blog and I really appreciate the opportunity that Tiffany gave me to share my story and thoughts!
My writing today is on something that I feel is very pertinent to my recovery right now, though it has nothing to do with food or behaviors. It is also very hard for me to write about and I feel very anxious about the possible effects of posting this.
I am hardcore questioning my sexuality right now.
There, I said it.
And I feel so stupid for saying it. But it is my truth and in order to recover, I need to embrace and remain curious about my truth.
Because I’m a millennial. I have an eating disorder. I’ve been to treatment. I go to support groups. I’m on anxiety meds. I feel like everyone my age is. It seems like mental illnesses and having a non-straight sexuality are “trending” and “cool” right now. I don’t want to seem like I am saying these things to get attention, because I am not. I am just a confused, 18 year old who has never had sexual attraction for males. But do I feel sexually attracted to females? I don’t even know.
I had a big revelation on Friday night when I was with my boyfriend. We’ve been on-and-off dating for about 15 months now, and in between him I dated another male for a couple of months. This might be TMI, but when it comes to sex, I’ve never looked forward to having it. And never do I look at a male and think that I want to have sex with him. I feel repulsed by sex. I think it is disgusting. I never enjoy it, I never feel enthralled or anticipatory about the moment. I just want to get it over with ASAP. Is that normal? I don’t know. And I don’t think it’s the two males I have had sex with either.
So I was getting the sex over with as fast as possible on Friday, and I just completely dissociated. Normally I can fake it, even though I am rushing it, but I couldn’t even do that. I just lay there like a rag doll. He noticed something was off and we talked about it a bit later. But I don’t think he gets it. I hate sex. I never want to have sex again. I wish I never had to have it. I do not have a sex drive at all (and I do not think this is ed-related). I don’t feel connected to guys when I am dating.
Honestly, I don’t even know what I am trying to say or if it makes any sense. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head and hopefully I will be able to process things over the next few months. But for right now, I’m just a stereotypical millennial who has “anxiety”, an “eating disorder”, and who is “questioning her sexuality”.