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Just Another Millennial…

Before I begin, I just wanted to share an article that I wrote for Tiffany over on Cookie Crumbs and Carrot Tops. This was my first time writing for another blog and I really appreciate the opportunity that Tiffany gave me to share my story and thoughts!

My writing today is on something that I feel is very pertinent to my recovery right now, though it has nothing to do with food or behaviors. It is also very hard for me to write about and I feel very anxious about the possible effects of posting this.

I am hardcore questioning my sexuality right now.

There, I said it.

And I feel so stupid for saying it. But it is my truth and in order to recover, I need to embrace and remain curious about my truth.

Why?

cdee01b54f90c69812d3e6d8024d8ae37199349569b639f99cb272c38f8a6d7eBecause I’m a millennial. I have an eating disorder. I’ve been to treatment. I go to support groups. I’m on anxiety meds. I feel like everyone my age is. It seems like mental illnesses and having a non-straight sexuality are “trending” and “cool” right now. I don’t want to seem like I am saying these things to get attention, because I am not. I am just a confused, 18 year old who has never had sexual attraction for males. But do I feel sexually attracted to females? I don’t even know.

I had a big revelation on Friday night when I was with my boyfriend. We’ve been on-and-off dating for about 15 months now, and in between him I dated another male for a couple of months. This might be TMI, but when it comes to sex, I’ve never looked forward to having it. And never do I look at a male and think that I want to have sex with him. I feel repulsed by sex. I think it is disgusting. I never enjoy it, I never feel enthralled or anticipatory about the moment. I just want to get it over with ASAP. Is that normal? I don’t know. And I don’t think it’s the two males I have had sex with either.

question-mark-310100_960_720So I was getting the sex over with as fast as possible on Friday, and I just completely dissociated. Normally I can fake it, even though I am rushing it, but I couldn’t even do that. I just lay there like a rag doll. He noticed something was off and we talked about it a bit later. But I don’t think he gets it. I hate sex. I never want to have sex again. I wish I never had to have it. I do not have a sex drive at all (and I do not think this is ed-related). I don’t feel connected to guys when I am dating.

Honestly, I don’t even know what I am trying to say or if it makes any sense. I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head and hopefully I will be able to process things over the next few months. But for right now, I’m just a stereotypical millennial who has “anxiety”, an “eating disorder”, and who is “questioning her sexuality”.

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5 thoughts on “Just Another Millennial…

  1. I’m so proud of you for sharing this. It is not an easy thing to openly share and sometimes by opening up how you feel it de loads a whole bunch of pressure and anxiety that is building up. Don’t feel like you have to make a permanent decision right now. You are young and honestly, you don’t have to worry about boys or girls right now. Live for yourself and I’m sure that at the right moment everything will fall into place.

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  2. Hey Em,
    Been reading your blog for a while now & I love all of it. I think you are overall really awesome and epic and brave and incredible and amazing especially for opening up and sharing this. Sexuality and questioning are not easy things to talk about but they’re totally okay to go through. You’re not alone there. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey to finding yourself. I hope you’re able to find the answers you’d like and be at peace with whatever the future holds. Sending all the love and well wishes.

    That said, I did want to request, please don’t minimize or invalidate your very real struggles and experiences by just writing them off as “stereotypical millennial” issues. There’s nothing about struggling with anxiety or an eating disorder or questioning your orientation that makes them uniquely millennial or “young person” problems. Sure, perhaps our generation is more open and vocal (thanks to people fighting to remove stigma and discrimination) about talking about their experiences with these issues but trust me, everyone has these problems. Don’t put yourself down by making your problems seem trivial. I hope this doesn’t come across as mean but I just wanted you to know that it’s better to not dismiss yourself or your problems so easily. You are important and valuable and your problems are valid and worthwhile. Trust me, those who love and care about you want to know these things and are interested in your experiences. We care. ❤

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    1. Sara-your kind message means so much to me. I cannot believe how much time and energy you put into writing this and nothing came off as being mean. It is really hard for me to accept that these aren’t just “millennial issues”, but rather things that have been affecting people forever that we are just now starting to talk about openly.

      I haven’t been prioritizing my blog recently, and this comment has made me realize that I want to put it higher up on the totem pole.

      Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

      Like

  3. Maybe you are asexual? You might want to look into that. It’s totally fine to be asexual! And you said this: “I hate sex. I never want to have sex again. I wish I never had to have it.” <– you don't HAVE to have it. Ever. I'm right with you there. I have only had sex with one person (my ex) and we broke up quite a while ago (I'm old!) and I am totally OK with having no sex life. Some people just aren't into having sex and that is totally fine! Please don't feel like you need to have sex for other people, because you don't.

    Liked by 1 person

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