Recovery · Uncategorized

Thawing

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Do you remember me? It’s okay, I’m not sure if I remember myself either. I can hardly think clearly right now, and I feel like I am drunk even though I have not had alcohol in (almost) a week. My memory is crap. My reaction time is slower than molasses and if I don’t change something soon, I’m afraid that I won’t even be aware of what it feels like to be alive.

I admit it. The transition to college has been hard. I am stuck. I am lost. I am alone. But I’m not all alone. I fill my mind up with lists of numbers and menus and BMI charts and macros and constantly compare it to what I see others do in search of some fucked up kind of “perfection”… rather than filling it with the things that I know I really need.

Because I admit it: I have needs. No, Emily, they are not wants. They are needs. My name is Emily and I have needs.

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I cannot keep lying to my dietician, agreeing to challenges that I know I won’t be partaking in. I cannot keep eating the same meals and snacks repeatedly day after day after day (but I switch between 3 different dinners! there’s my variety! No ED, shut up). Just eating enough calories to keep me functional without loosing (too much) weight. I am going home for fall break this weekend and instead of being excited to see my sister and dog and parents and best friend, I am scared because I don’t want to have to eat but at the same time I want to hide my behaviors. This is not living.

The problem is not not knowing what I need to do. I need to say yes to things I am invited to. I need to reach out and make myself available to receive those invitations. I need to fuel myself consistent meals and snacks spread out throughout the day. Restricting all day and then eating a pint of ice cream before bed does not help me at 4 pm when I am trying to study. I need to try dining hall food (not just the salad bar). Because even though it is not tasty, it’s part of the college experience. I don’t need to love everything I eat. But I do need to eat.

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I need to make the most of my resources by doing the challenges that my dietician and I lay out. I need to feel my anxiety and realize that it is okay-things are never as bad as I expect them to be. I can be lovable. I have been lovable in the past. And I will be lovable again. I need to have failures and be open about them.

I probably do need more support right now. I should be seeing a therapist more than once every 2-3 weeks. I need to let go of the shame of my struggle and stop asking myself “why I am so messed up” and “what is wrong with me” and instead ask myself “why not” and “what do I want”.

It’s scary to want things. It creates expectations that might not be met. I’ve got one life. I can either use it or lose it. I am going to be honest. I deserve to let my feelings out.

“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.

I am thawing.”

 

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One thought on “Thawing

  1. Em!!! It’s soo good to read a post from you, I’m glad you were able to come on here and write down your thoughts. It sounds to me as if you feel trapped between recovering and staying the same. I totally understand this, been there, got the t shirt. It sucks, but recovery will be totally worth it for us! Stay strong, reach out, and fight for your future! XO

    Liked by 1 person

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