I cannot believe I made it 19 years before I got my hands on one of Brene Brown’s books.
I also cannot believe that I was admitted back into an eating disorder day program today, when a week ago I honestly had no thoughts of needing additional support of any kind.
I spent process group being the stereotypical new patient with is in-denial and a tad rebellious. The therapist leading our process group brought something to my attention: despite what I was saying, I showed up at day program today. While it was not my idea and there is still a big part of me that doesn’t think I need to gain weight, I showed up. There is no denying that part of me wants help. I am 19 years old, no one literally forced me to show up today.
The part of me that wants help is the naked and vulnerable side of me. Saying that I am in day program for myself, rather than by force, is putting myself in this vulnerable place. It forces me to admit that I have goals and hope and a hunger for life. Vulnerability is admitting to my human emotional, physical hunger. Vulnerability is unleashing the 5% of me that is optimistic despite trying recovery for 3+ years and gathering the courage to pick up my s*** and get back on the road again. Stubbornly insisting that my family/treatment team/etc is “forcing” me to go to day program puts the outcome of my recovery on others. Which is unfair both to those individuals and myself.
Maybe this makes sense, maybe it doesn’t. I just felt the need to process. Sending you all my love ❤