I wish I could stop, embrace you, and make the pain go away. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s NOT okay to not eat. You are feeling hurt and it is evident to everyone around you, yes even your parents who constantly shove your accomplishments down your throat when you whisper to them “help”. They are scared to see you hurting. And you know you are, too.
Yes you are. And I am, too.
But the thing is, no one is going to come swooping in and save you.You are constantly looking to others to find some sort of validation. No matter how many hours you volunteer, what your GPA says, how many pounds you weigh, how many Instagram likes you get. Your worth does not depend on those things. And suffering more today does not equate to being more deserving of being saved. You are a smart girl and it was brilliant of you to come up with that equation in the first place. Unfortunately, no one can see past your facade. It’s time to take real ownership.
You still don’t know what to do.
You spend hours upon hours searching the internet for answers that don’t exist. Google can give you 24,000,000 answers on “how many calories to eat in a day”, 36,200,000 on “how to recover from depression”, and 75,600,000 on “what is the perfect diet”. But what Google cannot tell you is the right answer. You can spend hours on Instagram looking for at #edrecovery, #minniemaud, #weightrestored and see snapshots of others’ stories. But their stories will never be yours.
You are a blank canvas suffocating in layers and layers of plastic shrink-wrap. It is true, you can’t become “ugly” if you ever let anyone paint on you. You think it is impossible for you to become a masterpiece. And, let’s be honest, you probably won’t be. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no piece of art is complete without a few critics. You are not for everyone and you never will be.
I wish I could stop, embrace you, and make the pain go away. But at the same time, I don’t.